Checkmate: October 2008

"Just warning you; I'm in a good mood and largely pain free so I have no idea how things are going to..."
- Both Sides Now

"Where would junior high be without our ability to judge people on aesthetics?"
- Both Sides Now

"It's a universal daisy chain of peace and love that throws buns at people."
- Both Sides Now

"Isn't that locking the barn door after the horse has put his face between your breasts for an hour and a half?"
- Both Sides Now

"Her lips say no, but her hormones say 'Oh my God, yes, more.'"
- Both Sides Now

"Outcome two is that she kills me. I think it's fifty-fifty right now."
- Both Sides Now

"That's the breakfast of relationships; most important one of the day."
- Both Sides Now

"I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone."
- Both Sides Now

"Three wives. And as soon as you build them up to be well, as self-sufficient as they were ever gonna be - they drift out of your orbit. And you get sucked over to a planet with needier gravity."
- Both Sides Now

"Because, in HouseLand, and the rest of the universe by the way, when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer."
- Both Sides Now

"The paperwork might be awkward. Primarily the stuff they make you fill out at the Unemployment office."
- Under My Skin

"Regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical?"
- Under My Skin

"I have no reason to feel guilty. It doesn't make sense, unless there's something wrong in the limbic area of my brain."
- Under My Skin

"I think skinless women are hot."
- Under My Skin

"The irrational part of my brain thinks like the rational part of yours."
- Under My Skin

"Don't give me the cancer voice, the overly earnest tone - "
- Under My Skin

"Worse? Double death?"
- Under My Skin

"I've been popping pills for years; I've only been seeing things for days. Something changed."
- Under My Skin

"I can feel myself repressing all kinds of icky things."
- Under My Skin

"Time for a celebratory scotch... or three."
- Under My Skin

"See, the problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named lation."
- Under My Skin

"Right, I'm being cynical. People can care because they care, not because they cheated. Theoretically true, but gonorrhea fits better."
- Under My Skin

"I saw guilty in him; if he's not actually guilty, I wasn't right, I was lucky."
- Under My Skin

"You know what would calm the nausea? Vicodin. Marijuana. A coma."
- Under My Skin

"Too bitter. I have plenty of bitter already."
- Under My Skin

"I need a script for sleeping pills. Neighbor's dog has been keeping me awake, and is strangely invulnerable to poison."
- House Divided

"Wedding's in two weeks? I'd say you were pregnant, buy Chase's body isn't mature enough to produce sperm."
- House Divided

"Of the two things I do well, bachelor parties rank towards the top."
- House Divided

"But I read a book on it eleven years ago; fierce, sexy Sherpa on the cover..."
- House Divided

"It's like the zoo; Except you can bang on the glass as much as you want."
- House Divided

"You're not on the guest list. A bachelor party is an ancient and sacred male rite of passage."
- House Divided

"She's the one that got me hooked in with Madoff."
- House Divided

"So...and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton trolling muck-covered pig the day before."
- House Divided

"Why go back to that well? In the nine years since Wilson's party, a whole new generation of hot girls have been abused by their stepfathers."
- House Divided

"Why would you remember that a stripper loved cats?"
- House Divided

"Old Testament, right? Ball for an ear."
- House Divided

"I'll blind him too, if he wants to experience that culture."
- House Divided

"My Patient is opting into a handicap; he's an insult to every other gimp out there."
- House Divided

"I gave that idiot an implant to prove to him what an idiot he's been. How is that nice?"
- House Divided

"So I need to cancel the fart band?"
- House Divided

"I value your opinion. I value rejecting your opinion."
- House Divided

"Certainly explains my lack of eyebrows by the end of the evening."
- House Divided

"Use the other bathroom; it's in the kitchen, looks like a sink."
- House Divided

"Since when do you pass on the swine? And wheat toast? Might as well eat a sheet of sandpaper."
- Saviors

"Five functions, including a stopwatch to time how long it takes you to ask if I'm okay."
- Saviors

"It would if Cameron hadn't already CT'd his head already; empty as her boyfriend's calendar."
- Saviors

"His history said the environmental kamikaze was single."
- Saviors

"Meet Mrs. Environmental nutbag."
- Saviors

"Double threat: eco-freak and deadbeat dad."
- Saviors

"Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means you know I'd find nothing... Or you know I'd find something, so you're hoping I'll assume the former and not bother to look."
- Saviors

"Mortality is mortality."
- Saviors

"A lot of STD's hang in the balance."
- Saviors

"I'm losing my mind and all you've got to say is, 'good?'"
- Saviors

"He loves a tree in Oregon more than he loves you. But he can't have sex with it."
- Saviors

"Why's our rainbow coalition missing brown and bi?"
- Simple Explanation

"I thought maybe Kutner was home nursing the rib you broke when you elbowed your way in for credit on the last patient."
- Simple Explanation

"Mourning period's over. Foreman's sense of irony's back."
- Simple Explanation

Cuddy: "You broke into my files."
House: "I had no choice, personnel files are confidential."
- Simple Explanation

"I prefer the less subtle answer: 'You were right, House,'"
- Simple Explanation

"Draft Foreman, he can make calls through his tears."
- Simple Explanation

"You deduce that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?"
- Simple Explanation

"Or you sprinkled too much wishful thinking into your tea."
- Simple Explanation

"Hey Genius, I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Certain laws too."
- Locked In

"Can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. Meet my diagnostics posse: hot, dark and darker."
- Locked In

"His doctor's busy teaching him how to blink out 'kill me' in morse code."
- Locked In

"Apparently I underestimated your hubris. Don't worry; people do that to me all the time."
- Locked In

"Found you a late Victorian corset, I'll come by later and we can tie you up."
- Locked In

"How dare you use my logic against me?"
- Locked In

"You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. That's one of the ten reasons I think you may be a transvestite."
- Locked In

"Amazing. A man with only two words at his disposal can still lie."
- Locked In

"If he did, he would have hung a Mission Accomplished banner in my outer office."
- Locked In

"Fact that he stole your idea means he cares -- that's all I needed to know."
- Locked In

"You underestimate the entertainment value of your obsessions."
- Locked In

"The Democrats and their socialized medicine; I'm only allowed to waste useless tests on sick people."
- Here Kitty

"From now on, I'll use two markers -- only the green one will indicate irony."
- Here Kitty

"Have you tried to pee on yourself in public? Not easy."
- Here Kitty

"What are you worried about? You just get sued for the cost of treatment, maybe spend a night in jail for larceny. I have to tell one of my employees he was right."
- Here Kitty

"Cats make terrible doctors. Oh wait, I'm thinking of women; you're screwed."
- Here Kitty

"If you're here to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order."
- Here Kitty

"Of course I've heard of your cat. For a second, I was worried you were crazy."
- Here Kitty

"Can you come back later? I have some business I'm conducting with the prince of Nigeria."
- Here Kitty

"She's faking. The cat told me."
- Here Kitty

"But nutjobs get sick, too. Or Michael Jackson would still be a living human being."
- Here Kitty

"Anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice."
- Here Kitty

"Why didn't we listen to Ted Nugent? He tried to warn us, damnit."
- Here Kitty

"I know Goodbye Kitty is not going to predict anyone's death."
- Here Kitty

"When you don't die tonight, you'll have finally done something good for the world as opposed to your life as a... fireman."
- Here Kitty

"If only there was a 'lawsuit cat' who could warn you."
- Here Kitty

"It's not so much about 'caring' per se; more about me wondering why you're a credulous idiot."
- Here Kitty

"You think she's faking some stuff and not other stuff? Maybe she's an 'Unchausen?'"
- Here Kitty

"Weaklings and cowards generally make lousy employees."
- Here Kitty

"You'll note how Faster Pussycat Kill has snuggled up to coma guy."
- Here Kitty

"I do not believe in the oracat of Delphi."
- Here Kitty

"Love to hear more of your theory, but I don't give a crap."
- Here Kitty

"The fish played so compellingly by Don Knotts?"
- Here Kitty

"You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one; photos on my blog."
- Here Kitty

"So the tumor's not in the cool neighborhood. Cool neighborhood adjacent."
- The Social Contract

"You're forty years old and you're the administrator of a hospital. People don't get personal with you -- except for me, and you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around. But this guy can only tell the

truth. He prefers your body to that of a smokin' young hottie."
- The Social Contract

"It's amazing the way people cling to insults. Or what they think are insults."
- The Social Contract

"I'm not suggesting that like our patient, you are hiding a dark sarcastic core beneath a candy shell of compulsive niceness..."
- The Social Contract

"Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice."
- The Social Contract

"Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you're not there to save it?"
- The Social Contract

"Cyrano de Berkowitz, let it go..."
- The Social Contract

"Relax, your nose isn't big, it's just conspicuous."
- The Social Contract

"If you were really a racquetball player, you probably would have noticed you're holding a squash racquet."
- The Social Contract

"Never trust a dog."
- The Social Contract

"What does that make you, a quadruple agent?"
- The Social Contract

"Once you've got a name it's amazing how much you can learn on the phone. Well, if you are a doctor and lie freely."
- The Social Contract

"I'm fully capable of lying to you. I've lied plenty of times."
- The Social Contract

"My standards of fun are not the norm."
- The Social Contract

"You developed your own people-pleasing skills the way an Olympic athlete develops his muscles."
- The Social Contract

"My patient had brain damage; I don't have that excuse..."
- The Social Contract

"It's kind of fun watching you torture yourself."
- The Social Contract

"Our new patient -- part girl, part boy, ALL Thirteen's dream date."
- The Softer Side

"Way to multi-task impress the boss and humiliate the ex."
- The Softer Side

"Who needs med school when you have WiFi?"
- The Softer Side

"Completely unfazed? You think I'm totally lacking in any fazing? The idea that I'm anything less than half-fazed I actually find offensive and greatly fazes me."
- The Softer Side

"Without the Hoff it ain't Knight Rider."
- The Softer Side

"I think my penis stopped breathing; Do you know CPR?"
- The Softer Side

"I'm fine other than the fact that my nurple is now purple..."
- The Softer Side

"Back off; only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time."
- The Softer Side

"Unless the next stanza reads: 'hoping to fry my brain to death/I smoked some primo crystal meth' - I'm not interested."
- The Softer Side

"Okay I admit it. I have bulimia. But I look good, don't I?"
- The Softer Side

"Stupid product: heroin without the high."
- The Softer Side

"I'm not breathing, but that's strictly voluntary."
- The Softer Side

"What I put in my body is my business; I don't give you grief over your vegetables."
- The Softer Side

"Surprisingly, hookers are cheaper. And don't sue for sexual harassment."
- The Softer Side

"Patient dead or do I need to do anything?"
- The Softer Side

"You gave birth to a freak of nature, doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one."
- The Softer Side

"This is the only me you get."
- The Softer Side

"Wow, wish I could but I've already put down a deposit on sixteen crates of jello."
- Unfaithful

"Religious hokum or sponge bath. Can I get back to you?"
- Unfaithful

"Let me put it in terms you might better understand: 'If you don't split, you must quit'"
- Unfaithful

"You are a wuss: part wimp, part puss."
- Unfaithful

"World's most boring case just became a page turner and you want to tear out the last chapter?"
- Unfaithful

"Must be my lucky day; new symptom means old symptom was a real symptom and I get to keep our pederast priest after all."
- Unfaithful

"So the good news is he didn't have a heart attack. Bad new is, I apparently fired the only guy who actually knew what a heart attack looks like."
- Unfaithful

"So the man of God who doesn't believe in God had a heart attack that wasn't a heart attack. Do I know how to pick awesome case or what?"
- Unfaithful

"And you don't want to work so just go buy me a lotto ticket. The sicker he gets the luckier I feel."
- Unfaithful

"She's trying to play me; if I let her succeed, then the terrorists win."
- Unfaithful

"So, other than it can't see, it's a perfectly good eye."
- Unfaithful

"I want to walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit."
- Unfaithful

"Hey I was just talking about you. Well, not about you specifically -- about Whores and hypocrisy."
- Unfaithful

"Why do people suddenly find religion when they have kids? They don't believe it but why do they want their kids to?"
- Unfaithful

"So the fact that it makes no sense makes sense?"
- Unfaithful

"Father Nietzsche has AIDS."
- Unfaithful

"I'm incapable of acting like a human being."
- Unfaithful

"Religion is not the opiate of the masses; religion is the placebo of the masses."
- Unfaithful

"The fact that I was wrong is NOT a proof of God."
- Unfaithful

"Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?"
- The Greater Good

"Just practicing for my clown college audition."
- The Greater Good

"Get a piece of her lung and stick it under a black light. If it glows, the sick children who need her souffle can breathe easier."
- The Greater Good

"I'm happy for you. Love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make assumptions about your feelings for me...but

I do have a birthday coming up."
- The Greater Good

"Oh thank you, RationalizationMan, you've saved the village."
- The Greater Good

"You don't need your coat to treat a tumor."
- The Greater Good

"By all means, let's discuss the failed attempts to contact me, not the reason behind them."
- The Greater Good

"Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss."
- The Greater Good

"Ebony and Ivory are joined at the hip."
- The Greater Good

"You broke the rules; your girlfriend went blind. When you gamble, you have to consider losing as one of the possibilities."
- The Greater Good

"So you did it because you love her -- but ironically, you never took her into consideration. I can't wait to see what you get her for your anniversary."
- The Greater Good

"Ah the irony; maybe she wouldn't be sick at all if some other lazy cancer researcher hadn't gone home early."
- The Greater Good

"I thought I'd never see you again, little little Greg. You heard me right."
- The Greater Good

"Yesterday you hate me, today you're crying on my shoulder; I can only assume that what I'm hearing is your Aunt Flow telling me that..."
- The Greater Good

"Yes ladies, I am blaming her period. Granted, it's the worst period ever -- but frankly, not by all that much."
- The Greater Good

"In the meantime, get her a pint of cookie-dough ice cream and a DVD of 'Beaches.''"
- The Greater Good

"You really had no choice. On account of being an idiot."
- The Greater Good

"It's a locker room, how else are they gonna learn?"
- The Greater Good

"You exercise your new found power; I squirm under your thumb; resent the student becoming the teacher - then push comes to shove and we all realize what our real roles should be. And then you put out."
- Big Baby

"It's not an opinion, it's a smoke screen. Throw out a lame idea rather than agree with Foreman's better idea because you're worried that would confirm that he's boldly gone where no man has gone before."
- Big Baby

"So now you're agreeing? Either you broke up, or you folded because I gave you crap, or you actually agree."
- Big Baby

"Must be somebody's job to keep me from being reckless and irresponsible."
- Big Baby

"And just because I call him nobody, doesn't make me a racist."
- Big Baby

"...I need oral sex. It makes medical sense."
- Big Baby

"Figured if I asked for something really crazy she'd shoot me down, get the 'I can control House' thing out of her perky little system so the next time I went to her with something only marginally crazy, it

would seem marginally reasonable and she'd say 'yes.'"
- Big Baby

"Who has to go pee in the middle of a nuclear procedure?"
- Big Baby

"People don't die from peeing."
- Big Baby

"Please tell her that talking will ruin the test."
- Big Baby

"I never said her freaky personality's a symptom."
- Big Baby

"The brain's like the internet; packets of information constantly flowing from one area to another. Plaque in her brain from MS is like a bad server; cuts off the flow."
- Big Baby

"We could settle this with rock, paper, scissors. But, unfortunately, there are people who adjudicate these disputes."
- Big Baby

"I'm the last person you'd ever come to for ethical advice, which means you've already asked every other person. No one's given you the answer you want."
- Big Baby

"Has she invited any of her lesbian friends into bed with you?"
- Big Baby

"Cuddy's gonna love you. The patient on the other hand is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually that idiot'll probably forgive you."
- Big Baby

"Can't give you the proof you want because it's trapped in her head, and the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out. Which is apparently the one test you won't let me run. So either I do

this or I do nothing."
- Big Baby

"I'm skipping steps because our patient is skipping steps on her way to being dead."
- Big Baby

"If this doesn't work, her spleen is all yours. Unless I kill her of course."
- Big Baby

"My old boss. And by 'old' I don't mean 'former.'"
- Big Baby

"Our patient loves all things annoying."
- Big Baby

"She's the earth mother, takes in the rejects and freaks of humanity and tells them they're A-okay. What was different?"
- Big Baby

"If I threw up on you, you'd be pissed."
- Big Baby

"Either I need a new watch, or Mowgli's cutting into your beauty sleep."
- Painless

"Proving that you're a better mom than a homeless drug addict."
- Painless

Cuddy: "House, I've got a DCFS home visit on Friday."
House: "And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on..."
- Painless

"This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors."
- Painless

"Gotta let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple."
- Painless

"No rush; already bathed once this week, wouldn't want to look elitist."
- Painless

"Yeah, because I'm clearly a guy who likes to knock out a few naked pull-ups before I greet the day."
- Painless

"Scent of a man. I realize you've never experienced it sober."
- Painless

"You want a man to put his finger there, gonna have to marry him first."
- Painless

"He's had multiple EEG's; all cleaner and squeakier than Cuddy's rubber nipples."
- Painless

"Foreteen's right."
- Painless

"Come on, you're from one of the twelve tribes, you must know a ton of shysters."
- Painless

"Guy's taken the finest opiates Blue Cross can buy, how come they didn't
trigger a placebo effect?"
- Painless

"His idiot son distracted the orderlies so daddy deathwish could down a bottle of isopropyl."
- Painless

Taub: "Assuming you're right."
House: "Yes, I find it confusing to assume otherwise."
- Painless

"And if I really wanted to torture the patient, I'd manipulate a clinical trial in the hopes that he'd sleep with you."
- Painless

"I think you got her in it because of your usual messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex."
- Painless

"Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?"
- Joy To The World

"It's almost like you have a sexual interest in someone here. Like, say... Taub?"
- Joy To The World

"And depending where this school falls on the 'Heathers' scale..."
- Joy To The World

"When have teachers ever known how to motivate their students?"
- Joy To The World

"Why don't you hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? And by the way, that ending really made no sense at all."
- Joy To The World

"Have you checked the prices for Fireman strippers recently?"
- Joy To The World

"If I wanted gifts, I'd just look deeply into my patients' eyes and act like you. 'I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I'll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I make up for in --'"
- Joy To The World

"I'm physically incapable of being polite."
- Joy To The World

"Oh, I get it... you're trying to get me to prove you wrong, and then I'll be nice to all my patients this whole holiday season and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge."
- Joy To The World

"You're right; I'm a jerk."
- Joy To The World

"You know that from an anal swab? Man, you're good."
- Joy To The World

"I hate spunk."
- Joy To The World

"If you can't be nice, why bother being a doctor?"
- Joy To The World

"You keep showing up; you also keep leaving. It's possible you have the hots for me but really, really hate this kid. It's also remotely possible I have that reversed."
- Joy To The World

"No, you weren't a loser in high school; every Tom, Dick and Hershel was wet-dreaming about you."
- Joy To The World

"You got any patients who aren't idiots?"
- Joy To The World

"Either you're telling the truth. Or you're playing chicken. Or you're really really dumb. Either way's pretty interesting."
- Joy To The World

"No point, I'm in an elevator. Can't run away."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in when you pass child bearing age."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Other than throwing off the Feng Shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?"
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Wow. Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Can someone please stop back seat differential-ating?"
- Let Them Eat Cake

"My balls. Have you seen my balls? The giant one and the red one."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Everyone in this room knows exactly how this will play out. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable so I'll stop trying to make you

miserable. And eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"I'm doing my famous impression of Socrates. Think I really nailed the accent."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Knew your ass was huge, didn't know it was also toxic."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"For evil to succeed, all it takes is for good men to do nothing."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Is that fun for you? Analyzing everyone else's fun away?"
- Let Them Eat Cake

"If her brain's slowly turning into Swiss Cheese, not a whole lot we can do..."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me because you have the hots for me."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Why are you dressed like that? Why are you trying so hard to get my attention?"
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Sick people, who are sick enough to make it to me, don't spontaneously get better. Not as pithy, but yes technically more accurate."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"I'd give you an IV of the stuff, but the frosting tends to get stuck in the little tube."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Most people don't have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. Income's better and you get more action."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"He should check his pants -- I think we might have an anal hygiene violation."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"That's a bathroom you're barricading. Might come in handy, especially since you've cleverly decided to take a bunch of sick people hostage."
- Last Resort

"You really think reenacting 'Dog Day Afternoon' is the best way to get diagnosed? I'm sure you've been waiting several hours in an uncomfortable chair but... you should watch the movie all the way through."
- Last Resort

"Me, I rarely kidnap people unless I've got a serious health problem."
- Last Resort

"Right, you just brush your teeth with coffee grounds."
- Last Resort

"She might be armed, maybe you should have her deliver it shirtless."
- Last Resort

"First rule of triage: guys with guns go first."
- Last Resort

"This is a level of risk-taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action."
- Last Resort

"Wow, I would have laid money you had herpes."
- Last Resort

"If your life's no more important than anyone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself."
- Last Resort

"Damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants."
- Last Resort

"The humiliation? Doctors treating you like a piece of meat? Too many fingers and tubes up your holes? You hate doctors, want to take back control. If so, let me apologize for the fact that you are a piece

of meat."
- Last Resort

"I'm trying to decide which is riskier; taking crazy risks, or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazed risk-taker."
- Last Resort

"If you're saying you might have screwed this up because of your non-relationship with me, I don't know how I can help you."
- Last Resort

"Thank God some of those offshore sweat shop jobs are coming back to America; makes up for the telemarketing work we're losing."
- Emancipation

"You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome -- and almost killed her in the process."
- Emancipation

"Silent and unhappy is better than vocal and unhelpful."
- Emancipation

"Yesterday you were all BFF, today you think she's pathological."
- Emancipation

"Went home without ringing either her metaphorical or literal bell."
- Emancipation

"I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying."
- Emancipation

"Just because we call something 'poison,' doesn't mean it's bad for you."
- Emancipation

"You didn't flinch when you found out a sixteen-year-old who should have her whole life ahead of her doesn't. Means you're here about someone even younger dying even faster."
- Emancipation

"Pot calling the kettle a pot?"
- Emancipation

"Our job is to find what's killing patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy."
- Emancipation

"Tell her the thing about emotional reactions is they're definitionally irrational or... 'stupid.'"
- Emancipation

"Emotional is immediate; if she went to the rational first, then there was no emotional to process."
- Emancipation

"You're an idiot. You'd rather die than face your parents because what? You broke their Faberge egg?"
- Emancipation

"Anyone can hate humanity after being shot. It takes a big man to hate them beforehand."
- The Itch

"There's a reason we evolved the feeling of awkwardness; it tells us not to talk about things."
- The Itch

"Any time you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you."
- The Itch

"What else can I do? I'm gonna ignore her for the rest of my life."
- The Itch

"Yes, the large things in her bra."
- The Itch

"Yeah, I fiendishly hid it within the phrase 'I hit that.'"
- The Itch

"Pain changes things."
- The Itch

"And if the Crazy Fairy were here, she could grant them."
- The Itch

"You're nuts. Which makes me nuts for arguing with you."
- The Itch

"Whatever you're scared of out there, aren't you more scared of death?"
- The Itch

"That's weird. I usually don't get the stigmata until Easter."
- The Itch

"Please. Get a girlfriend or a life or something. For me."
- The Itch

"He's a lawyer, not an idiot."
- The Itch

"Hey, want to see if your client is actually made of money?"
- The Itch

"He likes to reenact the battle of Ypres three times a week, with real gas."
- The Itch

"What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting."
- Joy

"I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor."
- Joy

"They've explained the return policy, right? It's worse than video games."
- Joy

"It's good news. The great news is she insists there's no way she's gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom,

which means she shouldn't be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind, the only question is when."
- Joy

"Sleeping Beauty has a jones for Snow White."
- Joy

"Looks like the kid thing's working out great for you: all of the shopping, none of the stretch marks."
- Joy

"There's no unconditional love, only unconditional need. Don't make a child a victim of your biological clock."
- Joy

"Wow, can you remove spleens with your mind, too?"
- Joy

"Judgments are never made in a vacuum."
- Joy

"Everybody's happy until they unwrap the pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa."
- Joy

"What we thought was either weirdness or maturity in the kid was just blandness."
- Joy

"Just because you can't feel pleasure doesn't mean you don't want it."
- Joy

"Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you're at the sweating blood stage."
- Joy

"But hey, there's more than one baby in the sea. World's full of teenage boys riding bareback."
- Joy

"What about me speeding away says to you: 'let's chat?'"
- Lucky Thirteen

"Oh my goodness, I played a practical joke on my best friend and he's badly injured, if only I'd learned this valuable lesson earlier."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Aww, yeah. Penthouse forum meets medical mystery -- maybe there is a god."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Empty, transient sex? I've been waiting for you to spin out of control ever since you got your Huntington's diagnosis, but this is more than I dared hope for."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Is he in this room? Because if he's not, I don't care what he thinks -- unless he's a she and she was there last night too in which case I care deeply."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend's pelvis -- and no, that one's not a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Of course, I'm a very permissive, understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me, especially if you feel like kissing or groping or showering or..."
- Lucky Thirteen

"I'm just not sure if he's working for Hirohito or the New England Patriots."
- Lucky Thirteen

"You're just upset that the whole time she was with you, she was thinking about my huge, throbbing diagnostic skills."
- Lucky Thirteen

"People interest me. Conversations don't."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for. Like... just about anything."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Eight units in this building; gotta be a pervert like me living in at least one of 'em."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Haven't sat on this couch in four months. It still remembers my cheeks."
- Lucky Thirteen

"He's an idiot with a Messiah complex, savior to all who need saving; it's why his first wife had a wooden leg, it's why his second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Does the word 'fired' have a whole other definition that I'm not aware of?"
- Lucky Thirteen

"You had no choice; where do you go after fake hooker girlfriend?"
- Lucky Thirteen

"Oh my god, you invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero."
- Lucky Thirteen

"It was either this or put on 'Brian's Song,' but I didn't have time to stop by Wilson's."
- Lucky Thirteen

"It's like you and men. Just because you usually don't doesn't mean you can't."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Another life saved by girl on girl action."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Best nipples in Princeton."
- Lucky Thirteen

"I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow."
- Birthmarks

"Those Chinese surgeons make beautiful stitches with those tiny little hands."
- Birthmarks

"Eulogy, derived from the Greek for 'good word.' Now if she'd asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to."
- Birthmarks

"Make it fast; I don't want to miss the anal cavity search."
- Birthmarks

"I'm a doctor; when someone tries to call you three times, it's code for pick up the damn phone before someone dies."
- Birthmarks

"It was a boring convention. I needed somebody to drink with."
- Birthmarks

"Forget Louisiana -- the man was driving recklessly through your comatose village. Do they put lead in the jelly donuts here?"
- Birthmarks

"All the neighbors were doing it. Keeping up with the Chenses."
- Birthmarks

"Let her vomit through the MRI, that's what nurses are for."
- Birthmarks

"Pins. Some people use them to tailor a shirt, others use them to kill a baby."
- Birthmarks

"Shockingly, not all religious leaders are honest. But I'm guessing these particular monks are bilking the faithful by sticking a magnet up Buddha's butt."
- Birthmarks

"Are you kidding? She's lucky. We're all screwed up by our parents, but she's got documentation."
- Birthmarks

"You don't like her shoes, you like her legs."
- Adverse Events

"Not talking fever here, is she all curvy and perky?"
- Adverse Events

"Most idiots don't have that much ambition."
- Adverse Events

"But three unproven, untested drugs, it's like the Mod Squad -- no one can stop them."
- Adverse Events

"Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional and be genuinely regretted. Money is always a calculated decision."
- Adverse Events

"World's-sorest-knees-isil. Cuddy used to have that title by the way."
- Adverse Events

"I know head and heart start with the same three letters, but you've got to read all the way to the end."
- Adverse Events

"That's a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down."
- Adverse Events

"On the other hand, figured she probably wouldn't figure me as the Photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper type either."
- Adverse Events

"A moment ago, you thought you were dying. Blind is actually good news."
- Not Cancer

"Which means we have to remove your whole head. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt."
- Not Cancer

"What idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots?"
- Not Cancer

"Tell Foreman to get it: old people are scared of black people."
- Not Cancer

"There's the problem -- he only had half a brain."
- Not Cancer

"Cancer plays the field. Metastasis is just a fancy word for 'screws around'."
- Not Cancer

"Okay, it is a long shot but it's possible I'm an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm."
- Not Cancer

"You're taking pictures of a guy having an affair with his own sister and you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust?"
- Not Cancer

"Do you have a different rate plan for being a pain in the ass?"
- Not Cancer

"You're a math teacher. I deduced you used to be a blind math teacher."
- Not Cancer

"She's not your type. Your type's much stupider than her."
- Not Cancer

"He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to step on your turf."
- Dying Changes Everything

"I dated her. Well, didn't really date her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis."
- Dying Changes Everything

"Either she cracked under the whip, or she realized her evolutionary purpose is to arouse men, not castrate them."
- Dying Changes Everything

"My patient's still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women, today's sluts are celebrities -- if that isn't progress."
- Dying Changes Everything

"You can't hide from misery."
- Dying Changes Everything

"I respect things that earn respect. This decision, on the other hand, is a dog wearing a cape."
- Dying Changes Everything

"Familiar with the concept of sarcasm? Don't sweat it, it's new."
- Dying Changes Everything

"She dumped me after I lost those last eighty-five pounds. Said there was less of me to love."
- Dying Changes Everything

"Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head."
- Dying Changes Everything

"I like you better now that you're dying."
- Dying Changes Everything

“Yeah, we all get it - her heart's not beating; gonna make it harder to diagnose her. On the other hand, it means she's not gonna die while you're whining about it.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“I had a heart attack this morning. I can't do any more drugs 'til at least lunch.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“This a Philanderers Anonymous intervention?”
- Wilson’s Heart

“Can't really say ‘yes’ when it's a hallucination asking.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“An incredibly rare neurological symptom is boring? Am I in someone else's hallucination?”
- Wilson’s Heart

“A blowup doll would be more useful; and yes, that's the first time I've implied something negative about a blowup doll.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“If he had a brain, he wouldn't be tending bar.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“Sorry, wide stance.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“As long as I'm risking my life, I might as well be watching a talkie.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“1-800-Dial-A-Wilson.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“I'm branching out from self-loathing and self destruction.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“You gonna trust me? I lie about everything.”
- House’s Head

“I can’t even have a conversation with you in my subconscious without her tagging along.”
- House’s Head

“If I were kidding, I’d dress like you.”
- House’s Head

“Your biggest problem is I don’t know what your biggest problem is.”
- House’s Head

“Whoever wore this shirt… hasn’t showered since Sunday. Without the Vicodin, I’d have never been able to remember that.”
- House’s Head

“Trust me, I want to do very nasty demeaning stuff to your girlfriend.”
- House’s Head

“I need time for my brain to transition so I can embrace my inner monkey.”
- House’s Head

“Don’t blame me, blame my gender.”
- House’s Head

“As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is, like… can’t think of any. Good thing because they would suck. And be redundant.”
- Living the Dream

“I kidnapped you and you’re surprised I lied to you?”
- Living the Dream

“This is a whole new experience in super hi-def. I had no idea Marie wore an under wire.”
- Living the Dream

“Pack your manhood in ice; maybe the hospital can re-attach it.”
- Living the Dream

"Confirmation is for wimps and alter boys."
- Living the Dream

“We don’t need to wait for a reflex. If he can’t get engorged the way God intended then he can’t get engorged.”
- Living the Dream

“I let the crap pile up, wait to see which team member is the most self-flagellating and breaks down and cleans up the mess.”
- Living the Dream

“Yes, all pretty girls are interchangeable.”
- Living the Dream

“Thing is, hope’s for sissies.”
- Living the Dream

“Half the people I save don’t deserve a second chance.”
- Living the Dream

"It's a pretty simple string of logic actually: you make people miserable, then they do what you want them to do, because then the misery goes away."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Genetic defect; nice."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Okay, maybe I am biased. Let's take a vote. Who thinks niceness is not a symptom?"
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"I didn't invite you to be nice; I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Cameron only has one insufferable friend?"
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"You're either perfect or sick."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Thank you from saving me from being righteoused to death."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"I like Cuddy. Or parts of her."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"When you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it proves my respect for you."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Run him for everything you can think of: lepto, schisto, hemo and the fourth Marx Brother nobody ever heard of."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"So syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm gonna be even more attractive to the ladies."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"You don't like strong, you don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying, is she?"
- Don't Ever Change

"She's scary. Why does scary need pathetic?"
- Don't Ever Change

"People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep on repeating 'people don't change.'"
- Don't Ever Change

"And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am."
- Don't Ever Change

"This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves.. Oh my God.

You're sleeping with me."
- Don't Ever Change

"How's our mental Yentl?"
- Don't Ever Change

"Slippery slope - today we withhold porn, tomorrow it’s clean bandages."
- Frozen

"Coma Guy needs cable. Women’s billiards is the only thing keeping him alive."
- Frozen

"I’m a complicated man: I loathe her for many reasons."
- Frozen

"Only if you count Jenna Jameson’s autobiography as a gynecological text."
- Frozen

"We could, but I’d never forgive myself if we found something before we got to your breasts."
- Frozen

"Did they teach that before or after the class on fondling your inner child?"
- Frozen

"Tell her to walk north until she runs into a hospital."
- Frozen

"He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he’s up for this."
- Frozen

"Your theory is: I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that’s what love is, I don’t want anything to do with it."
- Frozen

"Who told you it’d be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?"
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"Homey knows better, Hymie doesn’t care, and Huntington’s would have done a better job."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"I know almost nothing of alien physiology."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"You wanna know every place your mom’s thumb has been?"
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"Lies are like children: they’re hard work, but it’s worth it because the future depends on them."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"The problem with sleeping with strangers is… they’re strange."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"You talk to your kid about sex so she’ll think you’re open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don’t wanna talk about."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person. And nothing pisses a person off more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"I figured I could sow dissension and get a few ties and sweaters."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

"I remembered I’m not a Satanist. I’m a druid."
- It’s a Wonderful Lie

“There’s something freeing about being a loser, isn’t there?”
- Games

“Dr. Cuddy - the face that launched a thousand long faces.”
- Games

“You got three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You’ve gone for column D; why? The simple answer is: if you don’t try, you can’t fail. Are you really that simple?”
- Games

“Odd. You care if I appreciate your music, but you don’t care if you live or die. Maybe the answer really is that simple.”
- Games

“Clinic’s been quarantined. Patient came in complaining of avian flu like symptoms. And fifty extra dollars in spending money.”
- Games

“Minus five for ingratitude. No ‘Thank you, Doctor,’ ‘Here’s a bottle of codeine for your troubles, Doctor.’”
- Games

“Pretty sure there’s no irony-body connection. But it’d be ironic if there was.”
- Games

“You were doing better before you had a good idea.”
- Games

“I’ve heard not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV.”
- Games

“Remind me of your influences here. I’m gonna say, Thelonius Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.”
- Games

“You have to leave work by 6pm, but you make time for man dates?”
- You Don't Want to Know

“I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“...Also she's wearing a red bra today. Like I'm the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants but that's not going to help with this particular trick...”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Skirt that tight, you got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“You handed over her panties; don't think gallantry's an option at this point.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Cole has traveled through the forest of crustaceans to bring us a treasure. He has earned his reward.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Would've been more impressive if he'd predicted he wasn't gonna die. Course that takes longer.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“I noticed a trend: if no one does anything, sick people often get sicker.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Can I stare at your wardrobe and question your ass?”
- Ugly

“The less obvious point is, I need my team to be unafraid of the metaphorical fart.”
- Ugly

“My eyes look better in rooms with summer colors.”
- Ugly

“I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.”
- Ugly

“Because she’s got way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering.”
- Ugly

“If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, and the wrong profession. And the wrong species. Treat this patient just like he’s just another really, really, ugly kid.”
- Ugly

“You’re right about me being wrong and wrong about you being right.”
- Ugly

“To do what I always do in these situations. Treat my patient behind his back and make him better.”
- Ugly

“Just a warning: if we have to start getting ‘consent’ every time we do a procedure, soon it’ll be ‘informed’ consent they’ll want.”
- Ugly

“You think your dad wants to kill you because you’re so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth.”
- Ugly

“Come on kid, you’re ugly. Means you gotta be smart enough to know there’s a bigger issue here than your face.”
- Ugly

“Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?”
- Ugly

“Bad ideas indicate an open mind.”
- Ugly

“We dismissed Lyme Disease hours ago. Put on some mascara and try again.”
- Ugly

“How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?”
- Ugly

“Nothing says thanks for saving my life like a test drive in a car that accelerates as fast as the Space Shuttle.”
- Whatever it Takes

“If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college.”
- Whatever it Takes

“My malpractice insurance doesn’t cover alien autopsies.”
- Whatever it Takes

“Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred ridiculous.”
- Whatever it Takes

“Does the ‘I’ in CIA stand for Irony?”
- Whatever it Takes

“I’m sorry, who you gonna marginalize? If it’s the housekeeper, she’s got it coming. Cleaning windows means cleaning both sides.”
- Whatever it Takes

“I know it’d be cool and all but sorry -- the Empire didn’t develop a death toxin to go with their death star.”
- Whatever it Takes

“You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but…”
- Whatever it Takes

“My friends call me ‘The Cane.’ Even before I messed up my leg.”
- Whatever it Takes

“So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?”
- Mirror Mirror

“Did you get a raise, because then you’re a whore. Or didn’t you, because then you’re a stupid whore.”
- Mirror Mirror

“If his name was Attila Von Weinershnitzel I’d say you’re onto something.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Because if you deal with the patient, he’ll start singing Osmonds songs and proposing to five nurses at once.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn’t thinking straight.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Who here doesn’t have any health insurance? None? None at all? Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests and private rooms for these patients. Fight the power!”
- Mirror Mirror

“Someone’s gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That’s how I stay so happy.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa’s lap as I tell you how infections are criminals; immune system’s the police. Seriously Grumpy, get up here, it’ll make us both

happy.”
- Mirror Mirror

“So now you’ve electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.”
- Mirror Mirror

“People don’t learn; people don’t change. But you did. You’re a freak.”
- Mirror Mirror

“I’m a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.”
- Guardian Angels

“You actually think I’d take a patient who had a seizure in a funeral home if the ER hadn’t already ruled out embalming fluid?”
- Guardian Angels

“Don’t think of it as digging up a body; think of it as keeping another one from getting buried.”
- Guardian Angels

Cuddy: “Doctor’s lounge is covered in mud.”
House: “Thirteen and Manipulative Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jello.”
- Guardian Angels

“Just a little piece of the brain. Seemed a waste, the guy wasn’t using it anymore.”
- Guardian Angels

“Does my breath smell bated to you?”
- Guardian Angels

“I can’t ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it’d be insensitive.”
- Guardian Angels

“Great. The only way he could turn down any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants.”
- Guardian Angels

“You couldn’t let her get to second base to get the test done?”
- Guardian Angels

“If your organs dangle, you’re the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you’re the yanks.”
- 97 Seconds

“Do your sex organs dangle, Cutthroat Bitch?”
- 97 Seconds

“I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn’t have to listen that closely.”
- 97 Seconds

“So we have a new symptom to explain; why does his throat think his lungs are his stomach?”
- 97 Seconds

“I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin -- that guy never had a chance.”
- 97 Seconds

“Suddenly you’re shy? You pooped your pants in front of me. One of the nasty side-effects of dying.”
- 97 Seconds

“You don’t think non-answers tell me anything?”
- 97 Seconds

“Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.”
- 97 Seconds

“Oh God, I’m tired of hearing that argument. I don’t have to go to Detroit to know it smells.”
- 97 Seconds

“Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I’d never hear the end of it.”
- 97 Seconds

“You many not have legs, but you have ears. I suggest you use them.”
- The Right Stuff

“Oh Yeah, twenty minutes in my office schmoozing about their love of Algerian surfing movies is a much better system.”
- The Right Stuff

Greta: “I’m a Captain in the Air Force; about to start a new assignment. NASA’s astronaut training program.”
House: “I discovered salt and created FM radio.”
- The Right Stuff

“Heeeeeeeeere’s Osama!”
- The Right Stuff

“Seventeen’s a stupid number.”
- The Right Stuff

“Stop it! This argument’s distracting every male and lesbian here.”
- The Right Stuff

“Paging me during Judge Judy -- not a good way to win my affections.”
- The Right Stuff

“So you called me? The guy with one good leg and zero leverage.”
- The Right Stuff

“Luckily violence isn’t the last resort. Extortion is. Go ahead. Extort her.”
- The Right Stuff

“Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be religious people.”
- The Right Stuff

“It’s a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude; she’ll be fine. It is a myth, isn’t it? Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.”
- The Right Stuff

“Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?”
- The Right Stuff

“And don’t forget her chesticles.”
- The Right Stuff

“The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.”
- The Right Stuff

“I don’t know who’s been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but hopefully they’re already fired.”
- The Right Stuff

Cuddy: "Where did you come from?"
House: "Apes, if you believe the Democrats."
- Alone

"I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head."
- Alone

“Interview? You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can’t hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don’t like having sex with them?”
- Alone

House: “Are you a fan of symmetry?”
Young Doctor: “Sure.”
House: “Weird, because your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.”
- Alone

“By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup.”
- Alone

"The kid's not a cliché. Anybody can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat."
- The Jerk

"You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn on."
- The Jerk

"Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours."
- The Jerk

"Personally, I can't believe I had the same three employees for three years."
- Resignation

"He can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can he, Foreman?"
- Resignation

Wilson: "Oh God, she's 26."
House: "But with the wisdom of a much younger woman."
- Resignation

"Ha! Nothing like a dead patient to send you back to your choir boy roots."
- Family

"The only value of that trust is that you can manipulate them."
- Family

"That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care."
- Family

"Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult."
- House Training

"First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.'"
- House Training

"If you need absolution, go to a priest. Or give alms to the poor."
- House Training

"I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me, 'Not twenty-five.'"
- Act Your Age

"Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186."
- Act Your Age

"Never is just reven spelled backwards."
- Act Your Age

"Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?"
- Act Your Age

"It may have been short, but it had girth."
- Airborne

"Good news is all the pilots are red meat men. Although I was kinda looking forward to landing this puppy myself."
- Airborne

"Happens often in high anxiety situation, especially to women. Now it sounds sexist, but science says you’re weak and soft. What can I do?"
- Airborne

"Personally, I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty."
- Fetal Position

"Mom's body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time."
- Fetal Position

"No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."
- Fetal Position

"Even fetuses lie."
- Fetal Position

"I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy."
- Top Secret

"And find out the truth about who he's been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet."
- Top Secret

"Better be careful. I have a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it."
- Top Secret

"Just because it's inexplicted doesn't mean it's inexplicable."
- Half Wit

"Sorry. Didn't mean to offend your specialty."
- Half Wit

"Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?"
- Half Wit

"If you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything you can't finish."
- Half Wit

"Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."
- Insensitive

"I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous."
- Insensitive

"Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra."
- Insensitive

"The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief."
- Needle in a Haystack

"Hey, you can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair."
- Needle in a Haystack

"You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."
- Needle in a Haystack

"My life is just one horror after another."
- Needle in a Haystack

Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."
- One Day, One Room

"You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?"
- One Day, One Room

"If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down."
- One Day, One Room

"If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R&D."
- Words and Deeds

"When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."
- Words and Deeds

"Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now."
- Words and Deeds

"I told you never to call me when I'm on trial."
- Words and Deeds

Tritter: "Merry Christmas."
House: "Happy go to hell."
- Merry Little Christmas

"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."
- Merry Little Christmas

"Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues."
- Merry Little Christmas

"This thing won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'Weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest."
- Finding Judas

"If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills."
- Finding Judas

"Good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!"
- Finding Judas

"Party of Five! Powerful stuff. The OC of its day."
- Whac-A-Mole

Cameron: "You okay?"
House: "Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football."
- Whac-A-Mole

"Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay."
- Whac-A-Mole

"There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry."
- Son of Coma Guy

"Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."
- Son of Coma Guy

"Quick, what's the status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron."
- Son of Coma Guy

"Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he'll never have to die."
- Son of Coma Guy

"Is Salma Hayek from Mexico or Spain?"
- Que Sera Sera

"Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property."
- Que Sera Sera

"It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?"
- Que Sera Sera

"You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty."
- Fools For Love

"Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots."
- Fools For Love

"Twenty-year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often."
- Fools For Love

Foreman: "I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?"
House: "Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!"
- Lines in the Sand

"Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."
- Lines in the Sand

House: "After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up."
Cuddy: "I'm ovulating. Let's go."
House: "The frisky, it went away."
- Lines in the Sand

"Take this four times a day. And stay off airplanes. They're flying cesspools."
- Informed Consent

"Somehow I just can't imagine you taking a Jell-O shot."
- Informed Consent

"I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him, you're mad."
- Informed Consent

"I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made."
- Informed Consent

"Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics."
- Cane and Able

"The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It's right there in the name."
- Cane and Able

"She was being metaphorical. She was trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking."
- Cane and Able

"Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head."
-Cane and Able

Cuddy: "Why did you...."
House: "Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?"
- Meaning

"Oh, I stuck that primo! How rad am I?"
- Meaning

Cameron: "You're lucky he didn't die."
House: "I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die."
- Meaning

House: "Where are you going?"
Foreman: "You're an ass."
House: "I know. Where are you going?"
- No Reason

"I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital."
- No Reason

Jack: "I don't want to hear semantics."
House: "You anti-semantic bastard."
- No Reason

"She looks just like you. You have the same fro."
- Who's Your Daddy?

"Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet...."
- Who's Your Daddy?

"I'm a really good secret keeper. I've never told anybody Wilson wets his bed."
- Who's Your Daddy?

"Tonight, L Word marathon."
- Forever

"Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER."
- Forever

"I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?"
- Forever

"Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks."
- Forever

"Oh, Level Three. Have you called Jack Bauer?"
- Euphoria, Part 2

Wilson: "You're accessing a webcam?"
House: "Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?"
- Euphoria, Part 2

"You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day."
- Euphoria, Part 2

"Everybody's great when they're half-dead."
- Euphoria, Part 1

"Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or

embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far."
- Euphoria, Part 1

"No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."
- House vs. God

"It's either that or I start going to church every Sunday. And that'd mess with my bowling league."
- House vs. God

"Cuddy said you should do it. You've got a gift. People thank you for telling them they're going to die."
- House vs. God

"I'm a night owl. Wilson's an early bird. We're different species."
- Sleeping Dogs Lie

"Gotta hand it to Foreman, though. He knew you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both."
- Sleeping Dogs Lie

"Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd come back for seconds. I figure after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night."
- All In

"No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage."
- All In

"The parents are mad because their kid is dying. It's understandable. If he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore."
- All In

"Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble."
- Safe

"Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks

down like a scared, dying teenage girl."
- Safe

"Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized."
- Clueless

"Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Think of all the places I can make Foreman search."
- Clueless

"Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... sklungs?"
- Clueless

Foreman: "His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left."
House: "Cool."
- Sex Kills

"Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win."
- Sex Kills

Wilson: "How'd you get here?"
House: "By osmosis."
- Skin Deep

"Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool."
- Skin Deep

Cameron: "What are you looking for?"
House: "Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment."
- Distractions

Weber: "You can't test anything on an abnormal brain."
House: "That's so close-minded, He's not ‘abnormal.' He's special."
- Distractions

Cameron: "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"
House: "I wish."
- Distractions

Cameron: "His brain is like a waiter that's got too many...."
House: "Hey! I do the metaphors."
- Distractions

"Wow. It's a big jump from ‘Infidelity is wrong' to ‘Do her.'"
- Need to Know

"Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills."
- Need to Know

Chase: "We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine."
House: "I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!"
- Failure to Communicate

Wilson: "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?"
House: "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."
- Failure to Communicate

Foreman: "She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings."
House: "I was there and I have a nine-to-three job."
- Deception

"What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know."
- Deception

"Sorry I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head."
- Deception

Stacy: "Where's Chase?"
House: "He's too busy to service you until after work. I've got a few minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, ‘What'll we do with the time left over?'"
- The Mistake

"One caveat: I've now moved past threesomes. I'm into foursomes."
- The Mistake

"Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young."
- Hunting

"Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite."
- Hunting

"You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor."
- Spin

"What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?"
- Spin

Cameron: "Who was that?"
House: "Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?"
- Daddy's Boy

Foreman: "You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis."
House: "Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right."
- Daddy's Boy

"You - Intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You - Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs. And you - Track down all the other Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of

them have the shocks, the trots or the hots."
- Daddy's Boy

"Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail."
- TB Or Not TB

"You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa... can't think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it's crazy."
- TB Or Not TB

"If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit."
- Humpty Dumpty

"Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."
- Humpty Dumpty

"I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."
- Humpty Dumpty

"Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch."
- Autopsy

Chase: "If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex."
House: "Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth."
- Autopsy

"Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"
- Autopsy

"What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?"
- Acceptance

"Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She's trying to impress her new sex-retary."
- Acceptance

Stacy: "If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?"
House: "I don't want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a really big hospital."
- Acceptance

Foreman: "Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28, and a decreased HCO3."
House: "Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb. Less significantly, we have a brand new symptom. Who's chubby?"
- Acceptance

Stacy: "He's scared of you."
House: "Sure. The ex boy toy. It makes sense."
- Honeymoon

"We should do things. Throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff."
- Honeymoon

Cameron: "Previous tests revealed nothing that could've caused the abdominal pain or the mood swings."
House: "Then we're done. Ball game? Zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys."
- Honeymoon

Cuddy: "Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture."
House: "You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days."
- Three Stories

"On average, drug addicts are stupid."
- Three Stories

"The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for."
- Three Stories

"Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check."
- Love Hurts

"Ramona, you naughty girl. Either you've got yourself an 18-year old boyfriend or an 80-year old with little blue pills."
- Love Hurts

Foreman: "Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently."
House: "Way ahead of you. I got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are going to get all the way down."
- Love Hurts

Cuddy: "Dr. House! Need you here."
House: "No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."
- Kids

Cuddy: "You. In the lobby. Now."
House: "I hurt my leg. I have a note."
- Kids

Cuddy: "I'm working. I got hot. Stop acting like a thirteen year old."
House: "Sorry. It's just you don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
- Kids

House: "Sorry. Up late. Internet porn."
Chase: "Why aren't you in your office?"
House: "There's a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off."
- Babies & Bathwater

"She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink."
- Babies & Bathwater

"Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you, she's only got thighs for me."
- Babies & Bathwater

Chase: "House never gives speeches."
House: "But when I really believe in something, gosh dang it, I gotta chance to make a difference here."
- Role Model

"By rush, I meant fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right?
- Role Model

"Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree."
- Role Model

"You are the most naïve atheist I've ever met."
- Role Model

Cuddy: "In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him."
House: "Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved."
- Role Model

"Have you ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?"
- Heavy

Wilson: "The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor's extremely large. At least thirty pounds."
House: "It's actually a personal record for this clinic."
- Heavy

Mrs. Hernandez: "I'll have a huge scar. I won't be able to wear a bikini."
House: "You wear a bikini now?"
Mrs. Hernandez: "Yeah, you have a problem with that?"
House: "No, but I've never gone swimming with you."
- Heavy

House to Cuddy: "Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. Conjugal visit - that's her new fantasy."
- Mob Rules

Bill: "His name's Joey. He's my only brother."
House: "He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him. We'll use the real medicine."
- Mob Rules

"He's a 30-year old mobster. He doesn't have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him."
- Mob Rules

Chase: "You can trust me."
House: "The problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks, you've been a big help."
- Mob Rules

"Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes awhile.
- Mob Rules

"She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Had three assistants and fifteen VPs check out who should be treating her. Who the man? I the man. I always suspected."
- Control

Cuddy: "I need you to wear your lab coat."
House: "I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age."
- Control

Wilson: "And a very bad omen for you. There's not much money in curing African sleeping sickness."
House: "No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys choirs, those are bad omens. This is much more mundane - a billionaire who wants to get laid."
- Control

Wilson: "She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one."
House: "You get that often? Women who'd rather die than get naked with you?"
- Control

House: "Haven't done the MUGA."
Wilson: "Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?"
House: "Got my aura read today. Said someone close to me had a broken heart."
- Control

Cuddy: "Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing...."
House: "Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia... noo-mania...?"
- Cursed

"A secret club. What's the secret, they're all morons?"
- Cursed

Chase: "How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?"
House: "I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life."
- Cursed

Cameron: "If it's cancer, he can't pitch again. If this was a regular guy who broke his arm lifting a box you'd pack him up and send him home."
House: "My God, you're right. I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in, we're on it like stink on cheese."
- Sports Medicine

"Foreman, how are you fixed for cash? Steal any cars lately?"
- Sports Medicine

Lola: "Even if real human contact is something you don't have, or even want, or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
House: "Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they're trading brains."
- Sports Medicine

"Let me talk to shipping. I speak their language. Foul."
- Detox

Cuddy: "You know, there are other ways to manage pain."
House: "Like what? Laughter? Meditation? You got a guy that can fix my third chakra?"
- Detox

"You always trust me. It's a big mistake."
- Detox

House to Foreman: "Go check out the ‘hood,' dog."
- Histories

Foreman: "A tuberculoma doesn't give you a temperature of 105."
Chase: "Then it's a tuberculoma and something else."
Wilson: "The ‘something else' is going to melt her brain."
House: "Poach. Better metaphor."
- Histories

Foreman: "You assaulted that man!"
House: "Fine. I'll never do it again."
Foreman: "Yes you will."
House: "All the more reason this debate is pointless."
- DNR

House: "That paralysis thing. Guy can't walk for two years, nobody knows why. It seems mildly interesting."
Cuddy: "Forget his paralysis."
House: "Tell that to the rest of his bowling team."
- DNR

"Like I always say, there's no ‘I' in team. There's a ‘me,' though, if you jumble it up."
- DNR

"I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce."
- Poison

House: "I assume ‘minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying ‘no chance in hell.'"
Chase: "Actually, I'm Australian."
House: "You put the Queen on your money, you're British."
- Poison

Patient's mother: "Who are you?"
House: "I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification. It's a beautiful thing."
- Poison

House: "Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?"
Adams: "Why?"
House: "Because you irritate me."
- Poison

"Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?"
- Damned If You Do

"Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time."
- Maternity

House: "How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home."
Cuddy: "No you couldn't."
House: "Nice."
- Occam's Razor

"Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything."
- Occam's Razor

House: "Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair."
Patient: "What?!"
House: "You're orange, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention."
- Pilot

"Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."
- Pilot

Checkmate

Life's a Game

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October 2008

Friday, October 31, 2008

The Gloaming

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I'm Alive - Becca

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CRAWL (TV Version) - VELTPUNCH

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The OST Meme of Your Life

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